For the past few days, I have been planning for this glorious experience. The plan: wake up early, watch 9 of Steven Seagal's best films consecutively, and share my reactions to each. I know that some of you have questions. I will try to explain what may appear on the surface to be a decision of utter madness.
Q: Why on earth would you do this?
A: For two reasons. First, I am still recovering from back surgery and I literally have nothing better to do with my time. Second, I own the Under Siege movies, and I'm curious how some of his other films compare. Perhaps I can find some more movies I like, or suffer through some bad ones and save my readers from the unpleasantness of ever viewing them.
Q: No, I mean, why Steven freaking Seagal?
A: Oh. OK. While today, Steven is considered by many to be a fat, mean douchenozzle that nobody wants to work with, there was a time (from about 1988 to 1994) that he was a popular, badass action star. Also, of all the 80s/90s action stars out there, he is the one I am the least familiar with. I already have all of the Stallone/Arnold/Van Damme/Bruce Willis action movies that are worth having, but I had hardly seen any of Seagal's work coming into this.
Q: How did you select which 9 films to view out of dozens?
A: First, I decided that this experience must only last one day, so I limited it to 9. (If you don't like that choice, feel free to go watch 18 hours of Steven Seagal and then tell me how many more YOU want to watch in a row.) From there, I examined various top 10 Steven Seagal lists, IMDB ratings, and Rotten Tomatoes scores to pick what are widely regarded as his best 9 films.
Q: Did you take breaks?
A: Briefly. Primarily to eat, pee, and feed my pets. Seemed reasonable.
Here we go! :D
7:20 am
The poster says "This is gonna hurt." It was right. Exit Wounds starts out with a 2-minute anti-gun speech, and then makes guns look as cool as possible for the rest of the film. An offensive racial stereotype character gets way too much screen time. Overblown twists reveal plot holes big enough to accommodate a stampede of elephants. Jaw-dropping scene: Steven and DMX fight for a minute, and then stop and calmly walk inside together as if nothing had happened. Why? I don't know, but I laughed my ass off at how random it was.
Rating: 2.5/10
9:10 am
I've already forgotten the plot. Let me think...Steven plays a cop who is a former black ops CIA operative who tricks Keenan Ivory Wayans into eating Chinese deer penis (I could not possibly make this up.) Also, they shoot and punch some Russian mobsters over...something. Steven always wears his hippie outfit and beaded necklaces into a station of fully uniformed cops, which is either awesome, or so bad that it's actually good.
Rating: 2.0/10
11:05 am
This is more like it! A fun B-movie revenge fantasy. Don't misunderstand; this is not a very good film, but it's far better than the previous two, and I did have fun watching it. Kelly LeBrock is here with her very 80s clothes and hair, in case you missed Weird Science.
Funniest lines:
Villain: "You can take that to the bank!"
Steven: "I'm gonna take YOU to the bank...the blood bank!"
Rating: 6.0/10
12:55 pm
This is Seagal's first starring role in a film...and it shows. There is a 3-minute scene to begin the film which shows Steven practicing aikido in a dojo, which was pretty badass. It goes downhill after that. This is so bad that I can't even really make fun of it. Hey look, Sharon Stone plays his wife and barely speaks. I'm so bored...and that's the kiss of death for an action movie. The name "Nico" is spoken at least 200 times, which might make for a good drinking game.
Rating: 1.5/10
3:10 pm
Oh no. No, no, no. This is what happens when Steven gets full control over every aspect of a film. Cringe-worthy dialogue, almost no martial arts action, and far too much melodrama about a fictional oil company ruining Alaska. How on earth did they get Michael Caine to be in this train wreck? He can't save it, but brings the rating up a full point. Charles Barkley would say that this movie was, and I quote, "turrible."
Rating: 2.0/10
5:30 pm
YES! This is my reward for suffering through some awful movies earlier. It may be a Die-Hard rip-off, but you know what? If you're going to rip off something, I say you should #1 Pick something good to steal from and #2 Do it well. Under Siege succeeds at both. Casey Ryback is the role Steven will always be remembered for. Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey help make this entertaining as hell.
Rating: 7.5/10
7:20 pm
As silly as this movie is, it's still an enjoyable B-movie, primarily due to the other cast members and higher-than-usual budget because of the success of the first film. Plus, you have a bit of established respect for the Ryback character (assuming that you saw Under Siege) and that helps. The movie starts out very well, and then gets more goofy and campy as it goes along, which is a little disappointing. A fun guilty pleasure.
Rating: 6.5/10
9:30 pm
This is a middle-tier Seagal flick. He plays a cop who chases a rampaging, homicidal William Forsythe, and beats up his whole neighborhood in the process for no good reason. Steven is a raging, abusive asshole the entire movie. Man, Gina Gershon looked good in 1988. How the hell did they get Julianna Margulies for this? Steven busts out a ridiculous Brooklyn accent, much to my amusement. The film ends with a puppy peeing on a guy's face. (Again, I am not making this up. Check, if you like.) I would classify this one as a comedy with loads of profanity and some violence.
Rating: 4.0/10
11:20 pm
Danny Trejo? Keith David? Kevin Dunn? Dr. Silverman from the Terminator movies? Not a bad supporting cast, really. Finally, a single film that fulfills my need for black candles, bright green contact lenses, chicken sacrifice, and cool Jamaican accents in one tidy package! There is more arm-snapping in this film than any other, if you dig that.
Funniest lines:
"What happened?"
"One thought he was invincible. The other thought he could fly. They were both wrong."
The bad guys feel more menacing here than in most of the other movies, and the setting is more memorable as well. Marked For Death is slightly above average.
Rating: 5.5/10
Final Thoughts:
-Probably the most surprising thing about today's gauntlet of films has been the long list of celebrities, some of them very big stars, that agreed to be in them. Names like Michael Caine, Tommy Lee Jones, Julianna Margulies, Keith David, Sharon Stone and so forth. Weird, but impressive that all of these people thought he was worth being in films with at one time.
-According to IMDB, Steven Seagal has acted in 42 films. What that means is that after seeing what are generally considered to be his top 9 films, I'd recommend watching these:
-Under Siege
-Under Siege 2
-Hard To Kill
-Marked For Death
...maybe watching Out For Justice if you really enjoyed those four movies...
...and skipping the other 37 entirely.
Will I ever watch the rest of Steven Seagal's mostly straight-to-DVD catalog of films? No, thank you. I'd rather have my arms snapped. Sorry, Steven.
Thanks for playing guitar though, and for making that awesome face!
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