Steven Seagal Saturday!

For the past few days, I have been planning for this glorious experience. The plan: wake up early, watch 9 of Steven Seagal's best films consecutively, and share my reactions to each. I know that some of you have questions. I will try to explain what may appear on the surface to be a decision of utter madness.

Q: Why on earth would you do this?

A: For two reasons. First, I am still recovering from back surgery and I literally have nothing better to do with my time. Second, I own the Under Siege movies, and I'm curious how some of his other films compare. Perhaps I can find some more movies I like, or suffer through some bad ones and save my readers from the unpleasantness of ever viewing them.


Q: No, I mean, why Steven freaking Seagal?

A: Oh. OK. While today, Steven is considered by many to be a fat, mean douchenozzle that nobody wants to work with, there was a time (from about 1988 to 1994) that he was a popular, badass action star. Also, of all the 80s/90s action stars out there, he is the one I am the least familiar with. I already have all of the Stallone/Arnold/Van Damme/Bruce Willis action movies that are worth having, but I had hardly seen any of Seagal's work coming into this.


Q: How did you select which 9 films to view out of dozens?

A: First, I decided that this experience must only last one day, so I limited it to 9.    (If you don't like that choice, feel free to go watch 18 hours of Steven Seagal and then tell me how many more YOU want to watch in a row.) From there, I examined various top 10 Steven Seagal lists, IMDB ratings, and Rotten Tomatoes scores to pick what are widely regarded as his best 9 films.


Q: Did you take breaks?

A: Briefly. Primarily to eat, pee, and feed my pets. Seemed reasonable.

Here we go! :D

7:20 am

The poster says "This is gonna hurt." It was right. Exit Wounds starts out with a 2-minute anti-gun speech, and then makes guns look as cool as possible for the rest of the film. An offensive racial stereotype character gets way too much screen time. Overblown twists reveal plot holes big enough to accommodate a stampede of elephants. Jaw-dropping scene: Steven and DMX fight for a minute, and then stop and calmly walk inside together as if nothing had happened. Why? I don't know, but I laughed my ass off at how random it was.

Rating: 2.5/10


                                                               9:10 am

I've already forgotten the plot. Let me think...Steven plays a cop who is a former black ops CIA operative who tricks Keenan Ivory Wayans into eating Chinese deer penis (I could not possibly make this up.) Also, they shoot and punch some Russian mobsters over...something. Steven always wears his hippie outfit and beaded necklaces into a station of fully uniformed cops, which is either awesome, or so bad that it's actually good.

Rating: 2.0/10

                       

  11:05 am

 

This is more like it! A fun B-movie revenge fantasy. Don't misunderstand; this is not a very good film, but it's far better than the previous two, and I did have fun watching it. Kelly LeBrock is here with her very 80s clothes and hair, in case you missed Weird Science.

Funniest lines:

Villain: "You can take that to the bank!"
Steven: "I'm gonna take YOU to the bank...the blood bank!"

Rating: 6.0/10



                                                          12:55 pm

This is Seagal's first starring role in a film...and it shows. There is a 3-minute scene to begin the film which shows Steven practicing aikido in a dojo, which was pretty badass. It goes downhill after that. This is so bad that I can't even really make fun of it. Hey look, Sharon Stone plays his wife and barely speaks. I'm so bored...and that's the kiss of death for an action movie. The name "Nico" is spoken at least 200 times, which might make for a good drinking game.

Rating: 1.5/10


                                                           3:10 pm

Oh no. No, no, no. This is what happens when Steven gets full control over every aspect of a film. Cringe-worthy dialogue, almost no martial arts action, and far too much melodrama about a fictional oil company ruining Alaska. How on earth did they get Michael Caine to be in this train wreck? He can't save it, but brings the rating up a full point. Charles Barkley would say that this movie was, and I quote, "turrible."

Rating: 2.0/10


                                                           5:30 pm

YES! This is my reward for suffering through some awful movies earlier. It may be a Die-Hard rip-off, but you know what? If you're going to rip off something, I say you should #1 Pick something good to steal from and #2 Do it well. Under Siege succeeds at both. Casey Ryback is the role Steven will always be remembered for. Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey help make this entertaining as hell.

Rating: 7.5/10


                                                       7:20 pm

                                                


As silly as this movie is, it's still an enjoyable B-movie, primarily due to the other cast members and higher-than-usual budget because of the success of the first film. Plus, you have a bit of established respect for the Ryback character (assuming that you saw Under Siege) and that helps. The movie starts out very well, and then gets more goofy and campy as it goes along, which is a little disappointing. A fun guilty pleasure.

Rating: 6.5/10



                                                           9:30 pm

This is a middle-tier Seagal flick. He plays a cop who chases a rampaging, homicidal William Forsythe, and beats up his whole neighborhood in the process for no good reason. Steven is a raging, abusive asshole the entire movie. Man, Gina Gershon looked good in 1988. How the hell did they get Julianna Margulies for this? Steven busts out a ridiculous Brooklyn accent, much to my amusement. The film ends with a puppy peeing on a guy's face. (Again, I am not making this up. Check, if you like.) I would classify this one as a comedy with loads of profanity and some violence.

Rating: 4.0/10


                                                       11:20 pm

Danny Trejo? Keith David? Kevin Dunn? Dr. Silverman from the Terminator movies?  Not a bad supporting cast, really. Finally, a single film that fulfills my need for black candles, bright green contact lenses, chicken sacrifice, and cool Jamaican accents in one tidy package! There is more arm-snapping in this film than any other, if you dig that.

Funniest lines:

"What happened?"
"One thought he was invincible. The other thought he could fly. They were both wrong."

The bad guys feel more menacing here than in most of the other movies, and the setting is more memorable as well. Marked For Death is slightly above average.

Rating: 5.5/10



Final Thoughts: 

-Probably the most surprising thing about today's gauntlet of films has been the long list of celebrities, some of them very big stars, that agreed to be in them. Names like Michael Caine, Tommy Lee Jones, Julianna Margulies, Keith David, Sharon Stone and so forth. Weird, but impressive that all of these people thought he was worth being in films with at one time.



-According to IMDB, Steven Seagal has acted in 42 films. What that means is that after seeing what are generally considered to be his top 9 films, I'd recommend watching these:

-Under Siege
-Under Siege 2
-Hard To Kill
-Marked For Death

...maybe watching Out For Justice if you really enjoyed those four movies...

...and skipping the other 37 entirely.




Will I ever watch the rest of Steven Seagal's mostly straight-to-DVD catalog of films? No, thank you. I'd rather have my arms snapped. Sorry, Steven.

Thanks for playing guitar though, and for making that awesome face!

Favorite movies of 2012

#11 The Sessions

Not everyone will like this one, due to the subject matter. I thought it was great to directly tackle such an unusual topic that people usually avoid like this. John Hawkes really sacrificed his body to play this role, and gave a great performance as well. I loved the casting of Helen Hunt. She was perfect for that warm character.


#10 Life of Pi

If the beginning and end of the movie had been left on the editing room floor, this one would probably be a few spots higher. Fortunately, the majority of the movie is quite enjoyable (and totally surreal.) It's also the most visually beautiful movie since Avatar. Worth it for the visuals alone, honestly.


#9 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

While it's not quite on the same level as the LOTR movies, it's not a mediocre cash grab either. There were some fantastic moments in it that made the slow beginning worth sitting through. I get the feeling that I can't really evaluate this one fully until the other movies come out and I can see how the complete narrative plays out.


#8 The Grey

I have a soft spot for survival movies such as The Edge and Cast Away, so this one was an easy pick. I enjoyed the gradual reveal of what happened to the lead character before the timeline of the film starts. Dark, bleak and violent...if that's not your cup of tea, skip it.


#7 Ruby Sparks

The premise here is supernatural, but it's not the main attraction. What makes this film ring so true is that everyone can identify with the relationship issues and ethics that this film thrusts under a microscope. The gulf between what we want/hope for and reality is always present. How do we cope with it? Do we really want what we think we want?


#6 007 Skyfall

After the dreadful Quantum of Solace, the Bond franchise gets back on track with Skyfall. Javier Bardem steals every scene he is in, and makes a worthy adversary for James. This is not one of the movies filled with gadgets, one-liners, and sex. It's a more raw entry for the series, where the characters are at the forefront and the laser-shooting cars are in storage.


#5 The Avengers

There are really no surprises here. It's just simple superhero fun, good action, and snappy dialogue. This might have been higher on my list if the baddies had felt more menacing and credible. It didn't feel like the Avengers had to try very hard to oppose them. Overall though, quite enjoyable. Good job, Joss Whedon!


#4 Django Unchained

Quentin Tarantino once again shows that he is a master when it comes to well-written, interesting dialogue. This movie has a simple plot, but it draws you in and you become emotionally invested in the characters. The racial stuff is intense, but it was probably intense in the 1860s (the film's setting) too. I admire QT for unapologetically making the movies he wants to make in an age when most directors are constantly worried about possibly offending anyone.


#3 Flight

The opening flight sequence is both suspenseful and terrifying (easily the best since Cast Away.) Flight is one of the best 'flawed hero' stories I've seen in a long time. Denzel Washington does a great job with the lead role, making you question how you feel and what should happen to him.


#2 Dredd

Easily the best action movie of 2012. I loved that Karl Urban never took off his helmet, and thus had to act the entire movie with only his mouth showing (and did it very well!) This movie knocks it out of the park in all the areas that matter for an action film. Even if you've never seen any other Dredd material, you will easily have a great time with Karl and the gang. Highly recommended.


 #1 Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

The trailer (skip it) would have you believe that this is a comedy, but that's misleading. It's got some dark humor, sure, but this is ultimately a drama dealing with love, death, and how you spend your time on this earth. Steve Carrell showed me some acting range that I've never seen out of him before. Funny, sad, and touching.


 Honorable mentions that did not make the top 11:

-Argo
-Zero Dark Thirty
-Cabin In The Woods
-Here Comes the Boom
-End of Watch
-Men In Black 3
-Snow White and the Huntsman
-Looper
-Ted



And now...the dishonorable mentions:

The Dark Knight Rises

Coming from a Christopher Nolan fan, he totally dropped the ball on this film. Hey Chris! You want to know how to f**k up a Batman movie? Make it 3 hours long, and have 8 minutes of Batman. Nobody wants to watch cops trapped in a sewer for hours in a Batman movie. Nobody believes you can just punch a severe back injury and make it better either, even in a silly comic-based world. Still, the first two films were excellent, so 2/3 ain't bad.


Prometheus

I had very high hopes for this film. It was one of the few I went to see in the theater. I still can't believe what a disaster this was. The best way I can describe this movie is this: Imagine you are reading one of those Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books where the story branches depending on your choices. Now, imagine at every single choice that comes up, you pick the dumbest choice available. Repeat this for almost 3 hours, and you have Prometheus. There is so much stupid in this movie that I could write a book about it. Ridley Scott, what happened to you? You gave us Alien and Blade Runner and Gladiator... *sigh* At least it looked pretty.


Cloud Atlas

I almost always like Tom Hanks. Here, although he is helped by an all-star cast, I just could never get past the impression that this movie was very self-indulgent and pretentious. The narrative structure was exhausting and difficult to follow (Telling 6 stores at once, and skipping around every 2 minutes will be pretty jarring and annoying to most viewers.) Even worse, the ham-fisted message about reincarnation is unwelcome and certainly doesn't need 3 hours of screen time to get across. I just can't imagine most people enjoying themselves with Cloud Atlas.


Total Recall

This isn't a movie. It's a series of video game action sequences strung together. You don't feel a thing about any of the characters or particularly care what happens, because there is basically no character development. Just because we're dealing with sci-fi here doesn't mean it HAS to be stupid. An elevator that takes people through the center of the earth to get between Britain and Australia? UGH. Living in a colony on Mars is actually a lot more plausible. The original film explored Dick's themes a lot better, plus we were actually invested in Arnie's character and what was happening to him. A needless remake that falls far below the original.

So, what movies from 2012 did you like best? Which ones annoyed the crap out of you? Let me know! :)

Two weeks after surgery: How is it?

The short answer: It's too early to tell.

The long answer: It's toooooooo earrrrrrly to tellllllll.


Observations on 12/12/12:

 -Wound is tender and swollen but seems to be healing fine, staples removed.

-Right foot and calf still have numbness and tingling.

-Most of the pain centers in the hamstring/glut. Consistent dull, crushing pain accompanied by occasional jolts of intense pain. Still about 80% to 90% as painful as before the surgery.

-Getting 3 hours of sleep on average each night due to the pain.

-Went on my first post-op walk today (0.6 miles.) You have to start somewhere.

I'll update again in a couple of weeks. Thanks for all your cards and support!